An insight into my mind

[fontane]

I have never made friends easily. As a young girl, I was just as happy to sit at home and read a good book as be out in the neighbourhood with all the other children. Sure, I would go out to play sometimes but I was always the follower; never the leader. I had friends at school too and I never felt lonely but I knew I was different too. I was always one of the last to get “chosen” when a game or adventure called for teams - my presence was tolerated but only just. We lived close to my cousins and Quantum and some of his sisters were always amongst my playmates. For as long as I can remember, Quantum was always a bit of a risk taker - always in the thick of it whenever adventure called. I was secretly proud of him and scared for him all at the one time. Sometimes I wished I could be more like him but I knew I was far too shy and not very brave at all.

I stuck to my studies and remain the “sensible” girl who didn’t get into scrapes. Friends came and went. I never kept in contact when they moved away and they certainly never contacted me again either. My mother was probably my best friend, if you could call her that, and my baby sister brought out my nurturing nature. And then ……THE EXPLOSION …….. THE EXODUS FROM MY HOMETOWN……..

No-one stopped to really think on that day. Everyone knew instinctively that the explosion came from the alchemy lab and that despite all the advances made, that the fallout from the strange cloud would be dangerous. We were all filled with the urge to get away as soon and as fast as we could. Sure, people helped each other in their plights but there was no hanging around the town. Everyone knew that distance was the safest option in the short term. In some ways, I think that I was able to cope as well as I did as I followed others leaving the town because I was used to not relying on others. I didn’t miss any of my friends but I did miss my family - my mother, my little sister - Oh how I worried about them but I knew that going back would be useless. They had either escaped before the fallout fell or they had not. There was nothing I could do except to save myself - later I would seek them out.

The day I saw Quantum in Amethyst was one of the happiest days of my life for the longest time. I should not have been so surprised - if any of my family could have survived, Q would have. I felt so relieved. I had someone to keep me company as we explored the vast lands of Dapetan; someone who needed me to look out for him; someone who knew me and accepted my weaknesses and faults. He fast became the best friend I had never had. Suddenly I had someone who I would rely on instinctively. We seem to think alike; so often, we each think of the same thing at exactly the same time, it almost is spooky.

But now I am fearful and feel terribly alone again. Quantum and I have grown much since we arrived in the Lands. I should have known his was a free spirit and impossible to tame. He drinks frequently in the bars around town though admittedly, he seems to shake off any after effects before we enter any serious fights. He womanizes but I am pretty sure they all mean nothing to him. My uncle would have just laughed and said something about “sowing wild oats”, I am sure. But it all comes back to the simple truth - I don’t make friends easily BUT Quantum does. Every time we walk the Lands, he seems to have stories to tell of the people he has met up with. Sure they all sound nice but they are his friends, not mine. When I met them, I don’t know what to say - shyness overtakes me and I become silent. The few times we have allowed others to lead us on adventures, I have become very fretful and unsure of myself. Once I even fainted after a battle as I was overwhelmed by the lack of careful planning prior to the fight. Quantum is my “comfort zone” and I am afraid – afraid that one day, he will find life with his other friends more exciting than adventuring with me.

Yesterday was my day of reckoning. I made a terrible mistake. Oh, he says it is his fault for being distracted in thought but that day when I met Quantum in Amethyst, I took it upon myself to watch over my cousin and keep him safe. It is my greatest wish to one day return to our hometown with Quantum by my side and seek out our families. However I have let him down; quite simply, I took a wrong turning and encountered a beast we were not prepared for. I fled assuming Quantum would follow soon after, but I felt each blow he sustained as if they were being inflicted on me. I rushed back in to try and drag him out, but it was in vain. He was defeated and my body was wracked with despair. It was all my fault and now I fear he will never trust me in quite the same way. The thought of losing my best friend leaves me numb. I tried Dwar’s strongest drink – many of them, far too many of them and have awoken today in my room feeling even more distressed. As always, my waking thought has been Quantum’s safety but do I any longer have that right?

[ariel]

Dear Fontane,

your a good friend of mine, keep that in mind.
and its only human to make mistakes.
ik hope to see you soon.

your friend

ariel

[Ghandi]

Isn't she a gnome?

[jagg]

Fontane? Gnome? *scratch*

She wun of dem human. Ghandi, I got sumfin fer elpin u see betta... fink u needin it

[fontane]

I feel so humbled. Friends never give up on you and Quantum showed me yesterday that his friendship is as strong as ever. I lay on my bed feeling ill about his defeat and ill from the after-effects of Dwar's drinks. Time and time again, I heard him pound of my door. Sometimes I said nothing. Sometimes I told him to go away. You know how it is.... you tell him to go away but secretly you wanted him to keeping coming back ... to show that he DOES care.

And back again, he came until at last, he seemed to be sounding quite angry and finally I felt ready to talk. I really thought that once he reassured himself that I was OK, that he would head off into the Lands alone. Why would he trust me? but I should never have doubted his friendship. I felt his genuine concern for me. No wonder I felt humbled. He should have been more interested in recovering from his own defeat but no, he was checking on how I was feeling and wanting to know when I was coming out of my room to lead him on more adventures. Can you believe it? I scarcely can. He still wants my company and still trusts me to led. He has forgiven me. Hmm..... No, that is not true. I do believe he never blamed me for his defeat in the first place. A part of me will always feel responsible for what happened but hopefully that will only serve to keep me even more alert in the future.

As for my shyness, well I know that is simply part of me. I need to open up a bit in front of the others I have met in these Lands. Perhaps in time they will come to accept me for who I am, just as my dear cousin has. Today I read a short note from Ariel reminding me of her friendship. I have missed her, of late. It is true that Q and I have enjoyed her company on many occasions and she and I have had many women-to-women conversations. She is very understanding, as one would expect from a cleric. I hope to met up with her again soon.